You would think I would be happy that A Shallow Girl’s Guide Part One and Part Two was a success but the moment Dwight’s team eliminated The Bron, I wanted Superman to kiss my youknowwhat – no really, Dwight can lay one on me any day – it’s the dethroning of King James that sucks. Dwight and all of his chocolate lusciousness defeated Nike, David Stern, The Mafia, and made the NBA logo appear to be in the early stages of Alzheimers since the player he ranked over Kobe chocked. 

 

If you tuned into ESPN after the Eastern Conference Finals you might have heard all this talk about how Bron Bron won’t win a ’ship till he surrounds himself with better players. That kind of talk is exactly why ESPN needs to hire me. It’s more than clear that the only thing the Cavs are missing is a PYT. If they trade Anderson Varajao, who Angela has dubbed a Corbin Bleu look-a-like, for a young hot thang like Tyson Chandler, Cleveland’s going to Disneyland in 2010.  Mark this post. 

 

The 2009 Conference Finals will go down in history. Not for showcasing some of the best playoff basketball in NBA history, but for proving once and for all that the pretty stay winning and the guys we give fake numbers to, go fishing. 

 

 

 

Now it’s time for pretty versus pretty. Except in this round, looks won’t be enough to declare a winner. This time I’m shelling out personality points. No more sifting through photo after photo after photo – after photo – of pictures showing exactly why Dwight Howard needs to swing my way. Now it’s time to use the all mighty Google to dig up all kinds of dirt, and good stuff, to see if the ladies really want any of these players to put a ring on it. If the recent Chrianna scandal proved anything, it confirmed that fine can be crazy. Under all the hot stuff can lie a dormant psycho Bob more than capable of Chris Brownin’ a laaaaaaady. 

 

Once again, I’ll be ranking the starters listed on ESPN’s depth chart for each team. Here’s the scale:

 

5 Points = Put a ring on it

4 Points = Meet the Parents

3 Points = 90 Day Rule (of Steve Harvey fame)

2 Points = 3 Dates

1 Point = Don’t call ME…I’ll call you.

 

 

 

2008 – 2009 NBA FINALS

 

Los Angeles Lakers vs. Orlando Magic

 

The Breakdown:

 

Los Angeles Lakers

 

 

Derek Fisher – Due to this, the only people who are allowed to dislike Derek Fisher are Spurs fans. Otherwise, D Fish is the poster child for looking good and charming the ladies vicky secrets off. Lucky for Fish, he is a family man. So much so, he demanded to be released from the Utah Jazz in order to tackle his daughter’s fight with cancer. Cue the awwwws. On top of that, the rest of the league trusts Fisher with their paper. He’s the Obama of the NBA Player’s Association.  5 Points

 

Kobe Bryant - Never mind my disdain, I assure you I tackled this one objectively. Look, here comes a compliment: Kobe is one of the best the game has ever had. He speaks three languages (see I’m trying to be nice), which is muy caliente, but as we saw in Kobe Doin’ Work, the Black Mamba is even boring in Italiano. Off the court, the most interesting thing about Kobe is that he’s named after a Japanese beef. Maybe that’s why he’s had a lot of beef in these streets (<—-mad corny, I know). Haters like me Folk consistently rank him as the Leagues most hated player, and then of course there’s that night in Denver. 1 Point 

 

Trevor Ariza – Google is a friend of Trevor Ariza but You Tube is not. Thanks to instant replay we get to see that under Ariza’s pretty face lies a mini Ron Artest. Just ask Portland Trailblazer Rudy Fernandez. When the Lakers were down 28 to the Trailblazers, Ariza “accidentally” knocked Fernandez on his head and ass. I can just imagine what might happen if his date shows up 28 minutes late. Ol’ girl could be on the ground trying to breathe like this poor man. 1 Point

 

Pau Gasol – You ever wonder why the scariest looking dudes (See Uncle Russell and Seal) always manage to score the flyest chicks? It’s because they make up for a short stick in the looks department with personality points. Pau Gasol is that dude. He’s not a looker but you’d have to do a FBI background check to find something bad about the guy. USA Today even dubbed him the man who made it “hip to be a Lakers fan again.” 4 Points

 

Andrew Bynum – Bynum is a baby. No really, he was the youngest player to ever play in the NBA and he’s prone to childish ways. Case in point: the Playboy Mansion fiasco last season.  While his team was getting spanked in ATL, Bynum was back home nursing a knee injury. Well actually, it was more like the Playboy bunnies were nursing his knees. Shortly after his playboy visit a photo circulated of him with a 110 pound bunny on his shoulders. Word spread that he was jumping over velvet ropes with the bunny on his shoulders and did the superman dat hoe on the dance floor. Bynum even wastes money like a child. Peep him throwing away that lucrative NBA contract at his 21st birthday bash. 2 Points

 

Orlando Magic

 

 

Rafer Alston – Skip to My Lou has one of the coolest nicknames and provided instantaneous laughter when he popped Eddie House up side his head, but this man is not one you want to take home to mama. He’s been arrested for assault, public intoxication, DUI, and allegedly slashing a man on the neck in a nightclub.  Unless you like ‘em with a record, and not the NBA kind, stay away from this one. 1 Point

 

J.J. Reddick - J.J. was a history major with a minor in cultural anthropology at Duke, but it seems he skipped the class where they teach you not to drink and drive. DUI’s are not a good look. Under all that white boy flavor is another privileged boy too dumb to spend some of that NBA money on a taxi or a driver. 1 Point

 

Hedo Turkoglu -  In the first two parts of A Shallow Girl’s Guide the Euros mos def hurt their teams in the looks department, but they’re outranking the Americans with personality points. I’m sure that’s no surprise to the rest of the world. The Michael Jordan of Turkey is a silent killer on the court who rarely gets the credit he’s due. He could whine about his teammates overshadowing him but you probably wouldn’t be able to understand him  Turk is a stand up guy. He gets props from obscure sport writers who say the Turkey star suffers from “underratedness,” and shallow girls, which is all that really matters. 4 Points 

 

Rashad Lewis – Anybody nicknamed “Sweet Lew” and the “Quiet Man” is a winner in my book. Lewis has a mysteriousness about him that is quite sexy. Any girl would be forced to go out on at least three dates with him to find a crack in all that calm. Rashad is similar to the mellow tempo that makes up the chopped and screwed music from his Houston hometown. Luckily he’s steered clear from sippin’ on that sizzurp. 4 Points

 

Dwight Howard – I thought I was in lust with Superman after seeing those arms, but after reading his blog, and finding out that he loves the Big Man up yonder, I’m really smitten.  The kid has a sense of humor, he’s willing to go head to head with Shaq in a dance battle, and he’s even humble enough to let little ol’ Nate Robinson jump over him in the slam dunk contest this year. Shaq might have out pop and locked him and Nate certainly out dunked him but that didn’t even wipe that glorious smile off his face. Turns out nothing will:

I just can’t play angry. I’ve tried it, but it only works for a couple of minutes. I have to smile, that’s just me. My dad use to try to stop me from smiling when I was growing up, but then he realized that basketball is my sanctuary. I’m going to smile and have fun, but at the same time I’m still going to dunk on you. [Don't mistake happiness for weakness]

 

On top of all of that, he loves the kids (no Robert Kelly) and philanthropy! I need a clone of him to be shipped to Los Angeles like now. 5 Points 

 

 

FINAL SCORES: 

 

Los Angeles Lakers = 13/25 = 52 %

 

Orlando Magic = 15/25 = 60 %

 

Projected Winner = Orlando Magic

 

Based on game one of the NBA Finals it looks like the Shallow Girl’s Guide finally hit a snag. But I’ll go ahead and participate in the awful headlines that have plagued the Orlando Magic this year and say something corny like I still believe in magic or the Black Mamba doesn’t have enough venom to take down Superman. In the end I’m hoping Disney World will prove to be greater than Disneyland, except if the Magic manage to win it all I hope they come visit Mickey Mouse in L.A. I’ll be looking for Dwight inside the Sleeping Beauty Castle. Come rescue me Dwight. Rescue. Me.  

Tags: A Shallow Girl's Guide, Dwight Howard, ESPN, Kobe Bryant, Lebron James, Los Angeles Lakers, NBA Finals, Orlando Magic