I didn’t mention it in Part One but I thought you all should know that the inspiration for my point system was my mother and her unconventional way of selecting teams. First off, my mother knows absolutely nothing about sports. Emphasis on nothing. When I cheered for a pop warner football team (shout out to the North Long Beach Panthers!) she was the cheer mom who taught our squad that de-fense was when “dey” had the ball and o-ffense meant it was “our” possession. She was right, but that’s the kind of stuff that can make John Madden come out of retirement.

 

Despite her low sports IQ, year after year, my mother successfully picks who will win the Super Bowl based on what team she thinks has the better uniform or, which of the two cities she likes the best. The shit is amazing. With that in mind, I came up with my NBA hottie point system. The same scale used to predict the winner of the Western Conference Finals will be applied to the East. And, like before, I’ve linked to photos of each player so that you can make them your screen saver just in case you have no clue who I’m talking about. 

 

5 Points = Put a ring on it

4 Points = Meet the Parents

3 Points = 90 Day Rule (of Steve Harvey fame)

2 Points = 3 Dates

1 Point = Don’t call ME…I’ll call you.

****Using ESPN’s depth chart, I ranked all of the starters plus one additional player off the bench for each team. The higher the points, the hotter the man and a greater chance of me changing all of my documents to Mrs. Kiana Howard/James/Lee etc.

 

EASTERN CONFERENCE FINALS

 

Cleveland Cavaliers vs. Orlando Magic

 

The Breakdown:

 

Cleveland Cavaliers

 

 

Mo Williams – I wish glimpses of Mo Williams could leave me wanting someMO but alas he’s never going to be hotter than [insert your favorite NBA hottie]. Mo really does have a nice smile but the shape of his head reminds me of a teenage mutant ninja turtle. When he’s on-screen I have to resist the urge to shout “Cowabunga!” and I start trying to figure out if he looks more like Raphael, Leonardo, Donatello or Michelangelo. 2 Points 

 

Delonte West – This guy will have you laughing. Whether he’s cracking jokes or being dead serious he is a funny dude. Too bad this isn’t a personality contest. 1 Point

 

Lebron James – For some of y’all Lebron James is a buthishead – as in everything looks good but his head. If that’s the case…oh well. Too bad I’m the one slaving over all of these photos doing hardcore research and what not. Seriously, if we were living in Biblical times I’d have no problem being King James’ fourth wife. 5 Points

 

Anderson Varejao – If this Brazilian PYT cut off all that hair he would get as much action as the Brazilian chicks in music videos. Too bad I can’t mess with any dude who has the potential to break my combs. We can’t even go on 3 dinner dates because I’d worry about his hair getting in my food. 1 Point 

 

Zydrunas Ilgauskas - The Euros stay losing. 1 Point

Wally Szczerbiak – Wally SIR-bee-ack is the only hope for the Euros. He is fine enough to colonize a whole country like his ancestors did except if it was just him this time I wouldn’t even be mad. 5 Points

 

Orlando Magic

 

 

 

Rafer Alston – Alston has a special spot in my heart stemming from his And1 Streetball days and because he sonned Eddie House on national TV. Unfortunately NBA dough doesn’t even make him more attractive. Plus, now don’t ask why, he reminds me of Gumby. 1 Point

 

J.J. Reddick - JJ is first grade U.S.D.A. approved white meat. He’s no Anderson Cooper but I’d definitely co-sign his white flight if he promised to land on my block. 4 Points

 

Hedo Turkogulo – Ang, Hedo might’ve been able to fulfill your white Jesus Euro fantasies during his prime. Not that Hedo’s prime was anything worth looking at, but if you’re into rugged Turkish dudes he could rock your world. Too bad I’m just not that into them. 1 Point 

 

Rashad Lewis – Cali people, remember TQ? He had that one single “Westside”: Two times for my sisters at the county building/I got some Westside love for all you ghetto children. TQ almost could’ve been the R&B Tupac but he sorta died – not in real life but we never really heard from him that much after 98. Anyway, I had a huge crush on TQ when I was in middle school. Give him some cornrows and Rashad Lewis could be TQs fraternal twin. So, for nostalgia’s sake 2 Points

 

Dwight Howard – Dwight is sorta built like the Goombas in the 1993 Super Mario Bros movie (peanut head on top of a huge body) but that is not stopping him from being one of thee finest men in the NBA. I’d love to be the Kryptonite to the Superman persona he stole from Shaq just so I could make him weak in the knees. I’d probably never be able to defeat Dwight because his smile would knock out my superpowers. On top of that, the man has the best body in the league. Why do you think in Part 1 he is the only one in the main photo in his uniform?  His arms alone are worth 5 Points

 

Courtney Lee – Things weren’t looking too good for the Magic bench until I clicked on Courtney’s ESPN profile.  Anyone who can look scrumptious in a standard roster photo is a winner. Even the likes of D Wade can sometimes look fugly in a profile shot. Now that AI is getting old, Courtney has the potential to be my new light skinn’d NBA crush. Unfortunately I had to deduct one point because he has a sinus fracture and is depriving me of all his glory by wearing one of those horrid Richard Hamilton masks. 4 Points

 

FINAL SCORES: 

 

Cleveland Cavaliers = 16/30 = 53 %

 

Orlando Magic = 17/30 = 58 %

 

Projected Winner* = Orlando Magic

 

Once again, my own system has failed me by not mirroring my real picks but the photos don’t lie. Trust me, I know. I looked through all of them. One by one. Smile.

 

If you could have seen the Jet Li type move I did on my living room floor out of excitement during the last seconds of last night’s game, you would understand how bad I want the Cavs to win it all. Rashad Lewis effed up my evening, Bron Bron was bleeding, Orlando won and I instantly started to worry that my ranking system might actually work! If it does, I’m hiring Angela to do PR for me so we can pitch this to the folks at ESPN. I may be on to something…

 

*based on nonsense

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