I discovered two things while watching Spike Lee’s Kobe Doin’ Work this past weekend: 1) Puppet Kobe is more interesting than Kobe in real life and 2) My basketball IQ is not nearly as high as the second greatest player in the NBA (simmer down folks, I’m only quoting the NBA logo).  

 

I use to pride myself on how much I knew about the game but when Kobe started talking about the weak side, penetrating the post, and a whole bunch of other stuff that made my eyes glaze over (was I the only one bored to death?) I realized that I really don’t know too much about the fundamentals of basketball, other than what I’d like to do to Mr. Fundamentals. With the latter in mind, I thought it might be fun to make my NBA Finals picks based on which teams have the sexiest players. 

 

Using ESPN’s depth chart, I ranked all of the starters plus one additional player off the bench for each team. The higher the points, the hotter the man and a greater chance of me changing all of my documents to Mrs. Kiana Howard or something like that. Here’s the scale: 

 

5 Points = Put a ring on it

4 Points = Meet the Parents

3 Points = 90 Day Rule (of Steve Harvey fame)

2 Points = 3 Dates

1 Point = Don’t call ME…I’ll call you.

****I’ve linked to a flick of each player just in case you want to drool with me you have no clue who the player is.

 

 

WESTERN CONFERENCE FINALS

 

Los Angeles Lakers vs. Denver Nuggets

 

 

The Breakdown:

 

Los Angeles Lakers

 

 

Derek Fisher - Clean cut. Gorgeous smile. Juicy lips. That is all. 5 Points

 

Kobe Bryant – As much as it pains me to admit this (go here for the back story on why I despise dude) Kobe is 6 ft 6 inches of coco chocolate that I wouldn’t mind sliding under my thighs to melt and devour, like I do my Snickers bars. Too bad he has that fugly tattoo dedicated to his wife (no hate) on his right arm – it cost him two points. Seriously, I can’t tell if these are really wings or Vanessa’s hair under that crown and it distracts me from all the hotness. 3 Points

 

Trevor Ariza – He has a physique and face lovely enough for me to take his Dominican behind home to meet my papi. 4 Points

 

Pau Gasol – The fact that he can whisper sweat nothings in my ear in Spanish won’t even save this man. 1 Point

 

Andrew Bynum –  Bynum’s cute at best, but he’s suffered from too many injuries. When his calcium intake goes up, his score will too. 2 Points

 

Shannon Brown – Brown may not be a starter but he’s a Q-T-Π. If you squint real hard you can tell why Jeff Van Gundy accidentally called Shannon “Chris” Brown during the Utah series. It’s not Shannon’s fault he resembles a douche; but because it’s a fine douche he gets 3 Points. 

 

Denver Nuggets

 

 

Chauncey Billups – I know some women who love Chauncey but it’s something about him that’s makes me want to duck and cover. He just looks like he’s sneaky and shady. Maybe it’s the eyes but I’d be too shook to keep Chauncey around for longer than three free meals. 2 Points

 

Dahntay Jones - His standard roster flick doesn’t do him much justice but on my  moms HD 52″ flat screen Dahn-taayy definitely puts the ay bay bay in sex-ay. 4 Points

 

Carmelo Anthony – Before the hair cut, Melo just looked like a fat bad boy with a fabulous smile and braids. Now he looks like a chubby kid with potential. 3 Points

 

Kenyon Martin – If there was a way to dry erase tattoos Kenyon Martin would be the finest player on his team.  I think tattoos are uber sexy (see Iverson) but some of Kenyon’s are ridiculous. That one on his neck (you know which one) cost him 3 points just because (you know). 2 Points

 

Nene Hilario – Luckily for Nene names have nothing to do with my point system. Unfortunately for Nene, his luck stops there. Other than his height, 6′11, Nene is not my cup of hot chocolate. It sorta looks like he’s going for that Rick Ross/Philly Freeway look in the face and that’s never a good thing. 1 Point

 

J.R. Smith – J.R. is the only player off the bench that could give the Nuggets some extra points. Chris Anderson is the only other option but he terrifies me, so J.R. it is. Like the rest of his squad J.R. is heavily tatted. And like Kenyon Martin, I’m not impressed. J.R. is only 23 and it already looks like he’s going to run out of unmarked skin by the time he’s 30. 1 Point

 

FINAL SCORES: 

 

Lakers = 18/30 = 60%

 

Nuggets = 13/30 = 43%

 

Projected Winner* = Los Angeles Lakers

 

The ex-Lakers fan in me really hates that they have a better looking squad than the Nuggets, but you know what they say about dudes who don’t look good: they usually have a lot of heart. Maybe that will be enough to get Denver past this series. If not they will have plenty of time to sit home and dwell on all the effed up things they did to their bodies. Maybe they might want to ask for some of the tattoo removal funds in Obama’s stimulus plan. 

 

I would have liked to have posted the breakdown of the Eastern Conference Finals but I need to do some more salivating research on Dwight Howard and the rest of them. Feel free to send me pointers on what to look out for on Twitter.  Ang and I are bound to be there talking through the game about everything but the technical stuff  Look out for Part two during or after the game. 

 

*Based on nonsense

Tags: Carmelo Anthony, Cleveland Cavaliers, Denver Nuggets, Dwight Howard, Kenyon Martin, Kobe Bryant, Los Angeles Lakers, NBA, NBA Conference Finals, NBA Playoffs