[Update:  If we're in the business of using TMZ as a source,  then I was wrong about Sir Charles keeping his mouth closed during the DUI arrest.  He allegedly told the cops he ran a stop sign because he was in a hurry to get a BJ. Yeah, it's what you think.  Somebody help me get that mental pic out of my brain. Thanks.]

 

I freaking love Charles Barkley.  Probably just as much as I love hating the Lakers, and he’s def right up there with my adoration of the Big Fella.  My mother knows this, which is why I don’t understand why she called me this morning to tell me my boy got arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence. I hate bad news like this.

 

These stories about celebrity DUIs are getting old. If  When I get Sir Charles’ money (or just the dough he spends gambling) you will never see my mug shot on TMZ.  I don’t understand why these people don’t hire someone whose only position is to make sure they don’t do some stupid stuff, like drive on the freeway backwards, or run their car into a pole.  Can’t celebs hire a designated driver if they don’t have friends with the balls to tell them they don’t need to be driving?  That’s what I’m going to do with my money.  Buy a designated driver so me and my girls can drink!

 

It looks like Charles was fairly nice to the police officers that pulled him over, even though he did refuse a breath test.  They said he was cordial and respectful, which might be an indicator that he wasn’t drunk at all.  Charles has a notoriously foul mouth when he’s sober; I’d hate to see what he’s like when he has a sip or two.  

 

Since it’s almost the New Year and we all need to laugh, my favorite Chuck quotes, or the things Charles should be glad he didn’t say or he’d might be in jail right now:

Man, everything gets blamed on the Clintons, every single thing in this world. I think Bill Clinton shot JFK, too.

 

We better not be doing the Bulls this year. Man, they suck! Bunch of high school kids with $70 million contracts. Damn! I hate my mother for having me too soon.

 

I had to explain to my daughter why that skank Monica Lewinski has an hour special on HBO this weekend.

 

 

After retiring from basketball: “I’m just what America needs – another unemployed black man.”

 

EJ: Did you graduate from Auburn?
Charles: No, but I have a couple people working for me who did.

 

Kevin Garnett once threw a ball into the stands and hit a guy in the face. The man’s daughter was shown on TV crying. Charles said:  ”You know why that little girl’s crying? It’s because she’s thinking ‘my daddy’s a wussy.’”

 

Well, when I went off to college, the guys I used to hang with were pumping gas and voting Democrat. Today they’re still pumping gas and voting Democrat. Guess the Democrats didn’t do much for them.

 

On one of Nate Robinson’s dunks during All Star weekend: “Any time a little midget does something like this, you gotta give him a 10!”

 

Today is Jimmy Hatter’s birthday — he’s the gay guy we got workin’ behind the scenes, y’all. We hire them all at TNT. We do not discriminate. We hired the pimp last year, Craig Sager, and now we got Jimmy Hatter. We got all the ethnic groups covered.

 

Dick Bavetta and Moses parted the Red Sea together:

 

Tags: Barkley DUI, Barkley Quotes, Charles Barkley, DUI, Lakers, NBA, Shaquille O'Neal